feelings.

i feel like ive been bottling up a lot of shit lately. or well, not lately. all year basically. its honestly no surprise i cant sleep or focus. theres so much shit on my mind and i cant seen to get rid of it.
like, i was in a really really really dark place about one year ago. and it seemed like people were maybe even starting to honestly help me. and then my dad almost died. twice. so, that kinda.. got everyones attention. which is understandable, of course. but man, i was already feeling like shit and then i almost lost my dad. i spent days not knowing if hes gonna make it, and hours not knowing if hes still alive. its not fucking cool to leave me to deal with all of that by myself.
and then i fail five classes. so i had to repeat the year. in a new grade. which was super cool for my social phobia. i ended up not going to school for six months. also add my best friend deciding i am no longer best friend material because i am so super selfish and boring. oh, and then also add my friends online dropping me. or telling me im a bad person. or telling me im a toxic person.
also my aunt died less than a week ago. (which ive told exactly one person who went all ‘its better that way’ no shit sherlock its still not cool). and her funerals on monday. and i try to act so tough like ‘yeah shes dead im cool with it’ but i dont think i am. im just so used to pretending im cool with things. i havent cried about any of my family members dying since i was ten years old. my friends and parents consider me ‘cold’. but im not. im really fucking weak on the inside.
i really hoped these meds would help me and that theyd make me feel better than before and that i might just be okay again. and yes, ive been going to school more often (still not nearly enough though) but i still feel like shit. i honestly dont know what to do about it.
ive also been questioning myself a lot. like am i as bad as i come across? am i not? i dont think i am but.. i just dont really know anymore. theres still this thing i cant get off my mind and please in case anyone that knows what happend is reading this honestly im not trying to start anything i dont have the strength to start shit. but i really really cant get it off my mind. and i wanna fix it, i really wanna fix it because i just want to stop thinking about it all the time but i dont know how to fix it. everyones telling me to just let it go and give it a break but i honestly cant. i want to get it out of my damn head.
i have so much shit on my mind. i have to go to school. like really go. or else theyll expel me. i have to make a plan for my future. like what the fuck do i wanna do? what can i even do? am i as smart as my parents say i am or am i as stupid as i consider myself? should i go to that funeral? do i wanna deal with that? do i want all those people staring at me like ‘why isnt she crying’?
and then the fact that im just trying to make myself feel better. i keep trying to tell myself im good enough, im pretty enough, im smart enough, i dont need to be skinny, etc. but then again, ive already started feeling guilty for eating again. just when i thought i was over that shit it comes back and hits me in the face.
and that thing that i cant get out of my mind makes me question if im not good enough. for gods sake i dont want that. i wanna talk about it. so badly. but i know i shouldnt. i know itll fuck up things even more but god. why am i the bad guy in this. i didnt mean to be. i really didnt. i just want to get it out of my head.
honestly i just want to delete all my tumblr accounts and uninstall skype to not think about it. the worst thing is that it wasnt as dramatic as i make it out to be right now. but i just cant get it out of my head. and i honestly just feel weak and dizzy and i cant tell if its because i should technically be eating more or if its because me constantly thinking about things i fucked up and my problems emotionally drains me to the point where i can physically feel it.
yesterday my former best friend also told me girl x girl is disgusting – knowing that i am more gay than ill ever be straight. and i just. fuck. i wanna sleep forever just to turn my brain off.